Man's Best Friend
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Man's Best Friend
All About Dogs
Dog property laws:
- If I like it, it's mine.
- If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
- If I can take it from you, it's mine.
- If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
- If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
- If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
- If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
- If I saw it first, it's mine.
- If it's broken, it's yours.
How dogs and men are the same:
- Both take up too much space on the bed.
- Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
- Neither tells you what's bothering them.
- The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
- Neither understands what you see in cats.
- Neither does any dishes.
- Neither of them notices when you get your hair cut.
- Both are suspicious of the postman.
How dogs are better than women:
- A dog's parents will never visit you.
- A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
- A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
- A dog never expects you to telephone.
- A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
- A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
- A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.
- A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
- The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
- A dog does not shop.
On the door of the little country store a stranger noticed the sign DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! Inside he saw a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.
He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" "Yep, that's him," he replied.
The stranger could not help but be amused. "That certainly does not look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
Why Dogs are Better Pets Than Cats:
- Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand every word you say. Cats will ignore you and take a nap.
- Cats look silly on a leash.
- When you come home from work, your dog will be happy and lick your face. Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place.
- Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they die. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.
- A dog knows when you're sad. And he'll try to comfort you. Cats don't care how you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener is.
- Dogs will bring you your slippers. Cats will drop a dead mouse in your slippers.
- When you take them for a ride, dogs will sit on the seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private basket, or they won't go at all.
- Dogs will come when you call them. And they'll be happy. Cats will have someone take a message and get back to you.
- Dogs will play fetch with you all day long. The only thing cats will play with all day long are small rodents or bugs, preferably ones that look like they're in pain.
- Dogs will wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.
Things dogs have to remember:
- The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
- I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
- I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
- I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
- I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
- I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
- I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
- "Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
- The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
- I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
- My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
- I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.
How dogs are better than men:
- Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
- Dogs miss you when you're gone.
- Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
- Dogs admit when they're jealous.
- Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
- Dogs do not play games with you except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).
- You can train a dog.
- Dogs are easy to buy for.
- Dogs understand what "no" means.
- Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
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